TSW

Day and Nite

For when I am missing.

This have been alright recently. I can say that I'm feeling OK even though I'm working all the time. There are so many things that 2009 can bring and I hope a lot of them are put into motion.

I've always had a weird relationship with people. Friends, family, girlfriends, etc. I am really starting to understand how a lot of that works. I was with a friend yesterday visiting her at work and I started talking about some drama within our circle of friends. It dawned upon me that I get annoyed really easily with drama like that.. and in fact, I can only hang out with that crowd for a certain amount of time before I become upset/annoyed for one reason or the other. Don't get me wrong, I consider them good friends but a break is nice.

Then on the other hand, I have some people that I can be around all the time and never get sick of it. I feel bad for those people because once I do hang out with them, all the emotion and venting comes out full force. I know that they don't mind it but looking back on it, I should settle it down a bit. I think..no I know the reason that happens. I just can't open up to anybody and when I am around the select few, I can't help but to talk their ear off.

I've seen one of the people a few times in the past couple of weeks and talk to them almost everyday. It feels really good to have a friend so special like that. Someone that you can feel so comfortable with and know that you can tell them anything regardless of how shitty it is...

These are the types of people I'm afraid of losing. I know all of us will never be together forever. Friends yes, but not in the same location. In fact, I only have that one living near me now. I know I need to get used to doing this on my own and not relying on friends to always be there with open ears.

It's a lonely world out there and when I don't have those people around me, I feel like the only person in the world. No one to talk to...I know they are just a phone call away but it really isn't the same.

Right now, I just have to be fortunate that I still have one that I can see on a consistent basis or know that she is there if I ever need anything.

My struggle is expressing how much I appreciate their friendship. I mean, yeah, words are great but sometimes I need it to be more than words...more than a hug. I can't really explain it properly. I know they are aware of how much I love them, but I think it's something that has to deal with me and me only.

I am too giving. To my loved ones, I am way too giving. I give and give and never want anything in return but maybe that is the issue. Subconsciously, maybe I am needing fulfillment. I know they are my friends and I know they would do anything with me but it's something with me. Maybe that's why I feel this way. Or maybe, just seeing them happy and being around them is enough. Maybe that's why I tag along with my close friends. If they would move somewhere, it always crosses my mind to move there too. I can't seem to break away from this even though I know I should. I just don't want to be alone and without those people I am alone and it's the worst feeling ever.

We are all living in the history books now.

2009.

Last night was the worst sleep I've had in a long time. I'm pretty sure it was because I took a nap in the middle of the day.

But, I did have a dream and it was a dream that felt so real. I'm guessing the last 4 days have been pretty surreal and a lot has been on my mind. Saturday was seriously one of the best days I've had in a while. Speaking to someone who I haven't spoke to in a long time felt amazing. One thing I cannot do is hide anything from that person. I opened up probably a little too much but I couldn't help myself.

Either way, it was good and felt natural. I'm not going to hide the fact that I think about this person every day and will probably do the same for the rest of my life. I think you get to a certain point in your life when you know who you want to be around for the remainder of your days. So, I had to suck it up and make a choice. Either mend the relationship or miss each day I go without speaking to that person. I know I made the right decision.

I love that person and will continue to love that person even if we are not in close vicinity. I do dread the day that one of us moves but I know that day will come and I will have to deal with it.

There have been a lot of people leave my life and I think I am starting to have abandonment issues. I want to follow those people wherever they go so I can be close to them but that would mean I'd be sacrificing my life for them. It's too bad because I don't have a problem doing that. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be relaying on others to supply my happiness but I'm tired of people going in and out of my life. Just once, I'd love to have friends/girlfriends stay with me and/or around me. I know it's selfish. I know that will never happen but I think that is the main source of my loneliness. I just don't know how to deal with it.

It has almost made me stop making friends or hanging out with people because I'm afraid to get too close and then they or I up and leave. Horrible way to live life but until I find a way to treat this, I'm just going to keep doing it.

Saying that, there is an 65% chance I will be making a move away from Seattle in 2009. I guess it's my way of actually setting a goal. Seattle has been great over the past 4-5 years. I've made great friends and lost friends. Either way, it has been a significant point in my life.

If you asked me where I am going to go, or what I am going to do...I wouldn't have the slightest clue. All I know is I need to start learning to be an individual. I know it's going to be hard and I know I may lose a lot along that road but it has to be done.

I fear being alone and I think this is going to be the loneliest time of my life. But if I get through this, I know I can get through anything.

Finally saying good-bye

I can say with absolute truth that 2008 has been one of the worst years of my life. Granted, the last few months have progressively gotten better but overall, fuck 2008.

Yes, there were few bright spots but god damn, the bad parts well overwhelmed the good parts.

But with saying that, I will say I have grown so much over the past year. I've learned so much about myself and others. I still feel isolated in my mind but I don't think that will ever change. I actually think it is a driving force for creativity. Maybe not but we will see...

So, onwards and upwards. Gotta keep that PMA strong!

More current events: The last two weeks have been devastating on my body. Not only am I bruised up from sledding most of the time, but my liver is killing me. All self inflicted of course. My sleep schedule is all fucked up and I can't remember the last time I ate a good meal or even a meal at home. I really gotta change that. I need to start cooking more at home and actually EATING more. I can't believe I'm actually saying it but yeah, I need to start eating more.

Nothing else really.....though my ears won't stop ringing. I think I'm going deaf.

I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY

My ears are ringing and it's starting to concern me.

The last two night, I have fallen asleep to 8 1/2 and Magnolia. Amazing dreams.

I saw some friends that moved to NYC tonight. It was awesome. Can't wait to see them again.

Really found out what was wrong with me...maybe details later.

I shouldn't have drove home in the state I'm in. OH FUCKING WELL GET FUCKED