Day 3 without sleep is over.
Let's see if the ceiling changes color tonight again.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Coming home to an empty house is sometimes really humbling. You think about the past and you think about the future. I walked into the door last night around midnight and the air was empty. It felt like a tomb and it still does. I don't really mind the emptiness most of the time but last night I stood in the doorway with my bags in hand for about 20 minutes dreading to walk farther. For some reason my feet just wouldn't move. I started sweating and my heart started racing. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on with my body.
I finally dropped by bags and leaned up against the wall and took some deep breaths. I grabbed my bags and walked inside. It felt OK after that. I got ready for bed and finally settled down. I sunk into the bed and stared at the ceiling until the sun came up. I can't remember what I was thinking about or if it had any meaning. All I know is that I didn't fall asleep and I don't feel tired.
My trip to NYC went well. Besides the fact that I was an emotional wreck. The weather was hot. Really fucking hot. I didn't mind it one bit because I was around great people and surrounded by the best city. I had mixed feeling of NYC before I went there but those were all squashed by the time I boarded the plane Monday night. In fact, I felt like I was leaving when I shouldn't have been. I'm not saying I'm going to sell everything and move to NYC. In fact, if I did that, I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I've already made enough mistakes.
The past month has really big an emotional rollercoster. For the first time, I actually feel my age and even older. I feel almost 30 and I feel like everything has finally caught up to me. In fact, I feel my life is being replayed in my head. I'm starting to remember things in the past that have happened to me and I've started feeling worse and worse about those things.
Nothing will ever be perfect, but there are a few things in my life that really can make me smile any time of the day no matter how awful I feel....
I finally dropped by bags and leaned up against the wall and took some deep breaths. I grabbed my bags and walked inside. It felt OK after that. I got ready for bed and finally settled down. I sunk into the bed and stared at the ceiling until the sun came up. I can't remember what I was thinking about or if it had any meaning. All I know is that I didn't fall asleep and I don't feel tired.
My trip to NYC went well. Besides the fact that I was an emotional wreck. The weather was hot. Really fucking hot. I didn't mind it one bit because I was around great people and surrounded by the best city. I had mixed feeling of NYC before I went there but those were all squashed by the time I boarded the plane Monday night. In fact, I felt like I was leaving when I shouldn't have been. I'm not saying I'm going to sell everything and move to NYC. In fact, if I did that, I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I've already made enough mistakes.
The past month has really big an emotional rollercoster. For the first time, I actually feel my age and even older. I feel almost 30 and I feel like everything has finally caught up to me. In fact, I feel my life is being replayed in my head. I'm starting to remember things in the past that have happened to me and I've started feeling worse and worse about those things.
Nothing will ever be perfect, but there are a few things in my life that really can make me smile any time of the day no matter how awful I feel....
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