This have been alright recently. I can say that I'm feeling OK even though I'm working all the time. There are so many things that 2009 can bring and I hope a lot of them are put into motion.
I've always had a weird relationship with people. Friends, family, girlfriends, etc. I am really starting to understand how a lot of that works. I was with a friend yesterday visiting her at work and I started talking about some drama within our circle of friends. It dawned upon me that I get annoyed really easily with drama like that.. and in fact, I can only hang out with that crowd for a certain amount of time before I become upset/annoyed for one reason or the other. Don't get me wrong, I consider them good friends but a break is nice.
Then on the other hand, I have some people that I can be around all the time and never get sick of it. I feel bad for those people because once I do hang out with them, all the emotion and venting comes out full force. I know that they don't mind it but looking back on it, I should settle it down a bit. I think..no I know the reason that happens. I just can't open up to anybody and when I am around the select few, I can't help but to talk their ear off.
I've seen one of the people a few times in the past couple of weeks and talk to them almost everyday. It feels really good to have a friend so special like that. Someone that you can feel so comfortable with and know that you can tell them anything regardless of how shitty it is...
These are the types of people I'm afraid of losing. I know all of us will never be together forever. Friends yes, but not in the same location. In fact, I only have that one living near me now. I know I need to get used to doing this on my own and not relying on friends to always be there with open ears.
It's a lonely world out there and when I don't have those people around me, I feel like the only person in the world. No one to talk to...I know they are just a phone call away but it really isn't the same.
Right now, I just have to be fortunate that I still have one that I can see on a consistent basis or know that she is there if I ever need anything.
My struggle is expressing how much I appreciate their friendship. I mean, yeah, words are great but sometimes I need it to be more than words...more than a hug. I can't really explain it properly. I know they are aware of how much I love them, but I think it's something that has to deal with me and me only.
I am too giving. To my loved ones, I am way too giving. I give and give and never want anything in return but maybe that is the issue. Subconsciously, maybe I am needing fulfillment. I know they are my friends and I know they would do anything with me but it's something with me. Maybe that's why I feel this way. Or maybe, just seeing them happy and being around them is enough. Maybe that's why I tag along with my close friends. If they would move somewhere, it always crosses my mind to move there too. I can't seem to break away from this even though I know I should. I just don't want to be alone and without those people I am alone and it's the worst feeling ever.
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2 comments:
how freakin gay are you
It's odd that you'd express that feeling-- the trouble expressing your gratitude for their frienships-- while i'm having the opposite reactions. I express my love of these people and their friendships too goddamn much and they shrug that shit off. you know one of these people. I think he's maybe called me once since i left.
it's interesting and a little disappointing but I guess it just really tells you what kind of friends you have. this particular person, he'll always be my friend. just not when I'm not in town. I just kind of have to absorb that fact and move on.
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