We are all living in the history books now.

2009.

Last night was the worst sleep I've had in a long time. I'm pretty sure it was because I took a nap in the middle of the day.

But, I did have a dream and it was a dream that felt so real. I'm guessing the last 4 days have been pretty surreal and a lot has been on my mind. Saturday was seriously one of the best days I've had in a while. Speaking to someone who I haven't spoke to in a long time felt amazing. One thing I cannot do is hide anything from that person. I opened up probably a little too much but I couldn't help myself.

Either way, it was good and felt natural. I'm not going to hide the fact that I think about this person every day and will probably do the same for the rest of my life. I think you get to a certain point in your life when you know who you want to be around for the remainder of your days. So, I had to suck it up and make a choice. Either mend the relationship or miss each day I go without speaking to that person. I know I made the right decision.

I love that person and will continue to love that person even if we are not in close vicinity. I do dread the day that one of us moves but I know that day will come and I will have to deal with it.

There have been a lot of people leave my life and I think I am starting to have abandonment issues. I want to follow those people wherever they go so I can be close to them but that would mean I'd be sacrificing my life for them. It's too bad because I don't have a problem doing that. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be relaying on others to supply my happiness but I'm tired of people going in and out of my life. Just once, I'd love to have friends/girlfriends stay with me and/or around me. I know it's selfish. I know that will never happen but I think that is the main source of my loneliness. I just don't know how to deal with it.

It has almost made me stop making friends or hanging out with people because I'm afraid to get too close and then they or I up and leave. Horrible way to live life but until I find a way to treat this, I'm just going to keep doing it.

Saying that, there is an 65% chance I will be making a move away from Seattle in 2009. I guess it's my way of actually setting a goal. Seattle has been great over the past 4-5 years. I've made great friends and lost friends. Either way, it has been a significant point in my life.

If you asked me where I am going to go, or what I am going to do...I wouldn't have the slightest clue. All I know is I need to start learning to be an individual. I know it's going to be hard and I know I may lose a lot along that road but it has to be done.

I fear being alone and I think this is going to be the loneliest time of my life. But if I get through this, I know I can get through anything.