I've been sleeping off and on lately. For a few nights, I would sleep non stop for 8+ hours. But last night, I was waking up every half hour. Today is going to be super long but this weekend should be awesome. No real plans, just laying low and catching up on missed time.
Last weekend was pretty much no sleep. I hope it snows this weekend so I have an excuse not to leave my bedroom.
I'm pretty over the holidays already. I really just want it to be January. In fact, February would be nice instead. I wish I didn't feel this way towards the holidays. I remember when I was a kid, this was the time of year I was happiest. No worries..
I'm going to start a Six Feet Under marathon this weekend. I'm really excited to watch that show again. I watched the final 9 minutes of the series finale a few days ago. That shit is rough to watch.
I hoping this good feeling will last for a while. I have some doubts...or maybe some concerns...or maybe it's just paranoia. Whatever it is..I just need to go with the flow.
On the up side of things, I went to a gigantic birthday party last weekend in Beacon hill. When I say gigantic, I mean at least 200 people. The people were really awesome and I had a good time even though I knew no one there. But besides that, it was a really fun night.
The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides And a dark wind blows The government is corrupt And we're on so many drugs With the radio on and the curtains drawn
We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine And the machine is bleeding to death
The sun has fallen down And the billboards are all leering And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles
It went like this
The buildings tumbled in on themselves Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair
The skyline was beautiful on fire All twisted metal stretching upwards Everything washed in a thin orange haze
I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful.. These are truly the last days"
You grabbed my hand and we fell into it Like a daydream or a fever
We woke up one morning and fell a little further down For sure it's the valley of death
Last night was the first time I dreamt and understood what meaning it had with it.
I was floating in the ocean with no land in site. I was calm and peaceful. I slowly started to let the air out of my lungs and sink. It felt like hours and as I was sinking, memories flashed and it was awful. It was painful to remember all that shit in one setting but it was also a relief to see it all disappear. The faster I sank, the faster the bad memories would go away.
I think for the longest time I've had issues with abandonment and it was proving true in this dream. I remember crying in the water as I sank deeper and deeper. The deeper I went the worst the memories got. Until, finally before I hit bottom, the past 4 years were wrapped up in one face. Once that face was close enough for me to see, I let all water I could into my lungs. It didn't hurt at all. It felt like life was filling up inside me. The more the water went into me, the more the face would disappear. Then it was over. I remember looking at my lifeless, dead body at the bottom of the ocean from somewhere above. It was the best feeling I've ever felt.
When I woke up, my pillow was soaked. I had thought I was sweating all night but then touched my face and realized I was crying the whole time. I didn't feel sad when I woke up; in fact I felt good.
I know I have a lot of things to deal with. I do not blame anyone but myself for what has happened in my life. I only truly have ill will towards one person. I cannot be upset with someones choices even if it hurts me to no end. I know some day I will be OK with this point in my life. I know some day I will wake up and finally be able to breath. I know someday I will want to re-build that friendship that I lost and miss every second of the day. But now is not the time. Now is the hardest part. Nothing is going to change if the life that left surrounds me everyday. The bed, the friends, the job, the smells, the touch.
I need to leave this apartment. I need to leave this city. I need to leave this life and start from the beginning. I don't need to remember how I used to be. I need to know how I am right now and how I will be tomorrow and the next..etc.
I'm not running away. I'm not accepting failure. I'm saving myself from that dream I had becoming true. I feel it coming closer and closer. Even though it was relief, it was the end and I'm not ready to see the end. Not just yet...
This past week has been again, so surreal. The holidays have made it ten times awkward as well. I've been working non stop for a month now. I don't know what for though. Some people say they know why I picked up a second job and they may be right, but either way, it's helping me get through all this bullshit.
Thanksgiving was..weird. I got home around 5am and went to bed. I slept until around noon and went over a friends house. The whole day I felt really off. I don't know if it was me fucking up my sleep schedule or the emptiness I was feeling all morning. People started showing up and it was fun for a bit. The food was good even though I had maybe a half of plate. It was also nice to see everyone again. I felt sick to my stomach numerous times during the night and I thought drinking might make things blurry so I wouldn't think too hard. That didn't go over so well with my head and feelings. I'll just leave it as that. Either way, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. In fact, waking up the next morning, all I wanted to do was fast forward my life to January and forget all about the holidays. I can't remember the last time I dreaded the holidays so much.
One thing that has been really difficult is finding out who I was 4 years ago. It makes me sad that I can't remember how I felt back then or even what my way of thinking was.. I don't remember if I was happy or if I was enjoying life. Maybe I should just forget it all and not think about how I was then. Things are really confusing right now and I wish it would all just straighten out. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but it's been many nights now and I'm barley seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When I think I'm doing really good, something, anything, big or small triggers my emotions and I'm back to square one. I wish, hope, anything that it would all just go away so I can feel like I'm not constantly struggling to live. I know I can't go back to the way it was..I know part of me wants to because it's all I know right now..but I know what the outcome will be again.
I am grateful I have friends that put up with my emotional rollercoster. I know they are tired of it. I'm also grateful for other distractions. New friends, new thoughts, new memories, playing soccer, pharmaceuticals, etc. It all attributes to building a new life. When I re-read that, especially the last part, I got really sad. I think I am fighting with myself to let go. I say I do, but I don't think I truly want to let go. I've never been so afraid of change in my life.
Anyways, enough with the melodramatic bullshit..
My picture taking and book reading have slowed down a lot lately. But I have been running every morning and I'm really starting to like it. Not only does it makes me feel really good, but it also makes me feel like I'm actually living a healthy life. I used to despise running so much. Now, I look forward to it every morning. I'm feeling like this is a habit that will stick.
I hope I can get on a better schedule where I have time to read and take pictures as well as run and work. I'm sure it will happen, I just have to stop napping so much. But sleep is my true escape (unless I dream).
That's enough babbling for now. I'm going to go play with my dog and then meet a friend for coffee/movie later. Decaf for me please, work comes early tomorrow.
