Your Funeral

Last night was the first time I dreamt and understood what meaning it had with it.

I was floating in the ocean with no land in site. I was calm and peaceful. I slowly started to let the air out of my lungs and sink. It felt like hours and as I was sinking, memories flashed and it was awful. It was painful to remember all that shit in one setting but it was also a relief to see it all disappear. The faster I sank, the faster the bad memories would go away.

I think for the longest time I've had issues with abandonment and it was proving true in this dream. I remember crying in the water as I sank deeper and deeper. The deeper I went the worst the memories got. Until, finally before I hit bottom, the past 4 years were wrapped up in one face. Once that face was close enough for me to see, I let all water I could into my lungs. It didn't hurt at all. It felt like life was filling up inside me. The more the water went into me, the more the face would disappear. Then it was over. I remember looking at my lifeless, dead body at the bottom of the ocean from somewhere above. It was the best feeling I've ever felt.

When I woke up, my pillow was soaked. I had thought I was sweating all night but then touched my face and realized I was crying the whole time. I didn't feel sad when I woke up; in fact I felt good.

I know I have a lot of things to deal with. I do not blame anyone but myself for what has happened in my life. I only truly have ill will towards one person. I cannot be upset with someones choices even if it hurts me to no end. I know some day I will be OK with this point in my life. I know some day I will wake up and finally be able to breath. I know someday I will want to re-build that friendship that I lost and miss every second of the day. But now is not the time. Now is the hardest part. Nothing is going to change if the life that left surrounds me everyday. The bed, the friends, the job, the smells, the touch.

I need to leave this apartment. I need to leave this city. I need to leave this life and start from the beginning. I don't need to remember how I used to be. I need to know how I am right now and how I will be tomorrow and the next..etc.

I'm not running away. I'm not accepting failure. I'm saving myself from that dream I had becoming true. I feel it coming closer and closer. Even though it was relief, it was the end and I'm not ready to see the end. Not just yet...