There is nothing to understand.

This past week has been again, so surreal. The holidays have made it ten times awkward as well. I've been working non stop for a month now. I don't know what for though. Some people say they know why I picked up a second job and they may be right, but either way, it's helping me get through all this bullshit.

Thanksgiving was..weird. I got home around 5am and went to bed. I slept until around noon and went over a friends house. The whole day I felt really off. I don't know if it was me fucking up my sleep schedule or the emptiness I was feeling all morning. People started showing up and it was fun for a bit. The food was good even though I had maybe a half of plate. It was also nice to see everyone again. I felt sick to my stomach numerous times during the night and I thought drinking might make things blurry so I wouldn't think too hard. That didn't go over so well with my head and feelings. I'll just leave it as that. Either way, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. In fact, waking up the next morning, all I wanted to do was fast forward my life to January and forget all about the holidays. I can't remember the last time I dreaded the holidays so much.

One thing that has been really difficult is finding out who I was 4 years ago. It makes me sad that I can't remember how I felt back then or even what my way of thinking was..
I don't remember if I was happy or if I was enjoying life. Maybe I should just forget it all and not think about how I was then. Things are really confusing right now and I wish it would all just straighten out. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but it's been many nights now and I'm barley seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When I think I'm doing really good, something, anything, big or small triggers my emotions and I'm back to square one. I wish, hope, anything that it would all just go away so I can feel like I'm not constantly struggling to live. I know I can't go back to the way it was..I know part of me wants to because it's all I know right now..but I know what the outcome will be again.

I am grateful I have friends that put up with my emotional rollercoster. I know they are tired of it. I'm also grateful for other distractions. New friends, new thoughts, new memories, playing soccer, pharmaceuticals, etc. It all attributes to building a new life. When I re-read that, especially the last part, I got really sad. I think I am fighting with myself to let go. I say I do, but I don't think I truly want to let go. I've never been so afraid of change in my life.

Anyways, enough with the melodramatic bullshit..

My picture taking and book reading have slowed down a lot lately. But I have been running every morning and I'm really starting to like it. Not only does it makes me feel really good, but it also makes me feel like I'm actually living a healthy life. I used to despise running so much. Now, I look forward to it every morning. I'm feeling like this is a habit that will stick.

I hope I can get on a better schedule where I have time to read and take pictures as well as run and work. I'm sure it will happen, I just have to stop napping so much. But sleep is my true escape (unless I dream).

That's enough babbling for now. I'm going to go play with my dog and then meet a friend for coffee/movie later. Decaf for me please, work comes early tomorrow.