We are all living in the history books now.

2009.

Last night was the worst sleep I've had in a long time. I'm pretty sure it was because I took a nap in the middle of the day.

But, I did have a dream and it was a dream that felt so real. I'm guessing the last 4 days have been pretty surreal and a lot has been on my mind. Saturday was seriously one of the best days I've had in a while. Speaking to someone who I haven't spoke to in a long time felt amazing. One thing I cannot do is hide anything from that person. I opened up probably a little too much but I couldn't help myself.

Either way, it was good and felt natural. I'm not going to hide the fact that I think about this person every day and will probably do the same for the rest of my life. I think you get to a certain point in your life when you know who you want to be around for the remainder of your days. So, I had to suck it up and make a choice. Either mend the relationship or miss each day I go without speaking to that person. I know I made the right decision.

I love that person and will continue to love that person even if we are not in close vicinity. I do dread the day that one of us moves but I know that day will come and I will have to deal with it.

There have been a lot of people leave my life and I think I am starting to have abandonment issues. I want to follow those people wherever they go so I can be close to them but that would mean I'd be sacrificing my life for them. It's too bad because I don't have a problem doing that. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be relaying on others to supply my happiness but I'm tired of people going in and out of my life. Just once, I'd love to have friends/girlfriends stay with me and/or around me. I know it's selfish. I know that will never happen but I think that is the main source of my loneliness. I just don't know how to deal with it.

It has almost made me stop making friends or hanging out with people because I'm afraid to get too close and then they or I up and leave. Horrible way to live life but until I find a way to treat this, I'm just going to keep doing it.

Saying that, there is an 65% chance I will be making a move away from Seattle in 2009. I guess it's my way of actually setting a goal. Seattle has been great over the past 4-5 years. I've made great friends and lost friends. Either way, it has been a significant point in my life.

If you asked me where I am going to go, or what I am going to do...I wouldn't have the slightest clue. All I know is I need to start learning to be an individual. I know it's going to be hard and I know I may lose a lot along that road but it has to be done.

I fear being alone and I think this is going to be the loneliest time of my life. But if I get through this, I know I can get through anything.

Finally saying good-bye

I can say with absolute truth that 2008 has been one of the worst years of my life. Granted, the last few months have progressively gotten better but overall, fuck 2008.

Yes, there were few bright spots but god damn, the bad parts well overwhelmed the good parts.

But with saying that, I will say I have grown so much over the past year. I've learned so much about myself and others. I still feel isolated in my mind but I don't think that will ever change. I actually think it is a driving force for creativity. Maybe not but we will see...

So, onwards and upwards. Gotta keep that PMA strong!

More current events: The last two weeks have been devastating on my body. Not only am I bruised up from sledding most of the time, but my liver is killing me. All self inflicted of course. My sleep schedule is all fucked up and I can't remember the last time I ate a good meal or even a meal at home. I really gotta change that. I need to start cooking more at home and actually EATING more. I can't believe I'm actually saying it but yeah, I need to start eating more.

Nothing else really.....though my ears won't stop ringing. I think I'm going deaf.

I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY

My ears are ringing and it's starting to concern me.

The last two night, I have fallen asleep to 8 1/2 and Magnolia. Amazing dreams.

I saw some friends that moved to NYC tonight. It was awesome. Can't wait to see them again.

Really found out what was wrong with me...maybe details later.

I shouldn't have drove home in the state I'm in. OH FUCKING WELL GET FUCKED

Trying is not an option anymore.

Searching and Finding

Snowed in. Yes, I was snowed in with a bunch of friends since Thursday. It was a reallllly epic weekend that involved sleep overs, fights, TONS of booze, sledding, falling, bruises, more fights, snow ball fights, pushing cars up hills, falling down hills....you get the picture. There was drama but it all ended up good. A lot of us got closer as well this weekend which was awesome. I think there will be some photos of a drunk underwear party that happened last night? It was hazy but I'm pretty sure I'm almost naked. TIGHT!

I haven't worked since Wednesday and it feels nice but now I'm broke again. I can't go get my paycheck at job number 2 because my car is buried in snow. Hopefully this shit ends soon. I have to work tomorrow night and all day Wednesday. I need to log some hours or I'll really be fucked. I'm waking up early and driving to see my mom for xmas. I hope it doesn't snow again or I'm going to be spending xmas alone with me and tbone. Which I guess wouldn't be too bad but still, I'd like to see my mom for the holidays.

I am so worn out. The last 4 days were insane. It was a non-stop party the whole time. I think I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to finish this project I've been working on for a few weeks. I'm really hoping it turns out the way I have imagined it.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. My mood has been pretty positive but I guess I hardly have time to feel like shit. Also, I've been keeping busy with a bunch of stuff I've neglected in the past. Photo's, creating, all that shit.

Speaking of photos. I have retired my digital camera for a little bit and I started focusing on film. Not the cheapest route, but it's something I've wanted to put time into for a while. I'm using a Holga, Fish eye 35mm and a Spectra Polaroid. I have about 6 rolls to get developed and I'm really exited to see how they turn out. The holga is going to have a lot of light leaks which is exciting. I've been messing around with the Polaroid as well. Double, even triple exposures. Stoked on those.

So here are a few pictures from the last two weeks. I'll start from last to first.

This is me using my friend's Mac Book. The only reason I like this photo is because I'm wearing a tight ass Sex Vid tie dye shirt. CROOSH!



Eastlake Snow Day Crew. Front left to right. Me, Julie (roommate) Lazzy (also a roommate) Kyle, and Jenn C. We went to this sweet vintage store on Eastlake and picked up some KILLER sleds. They ruled. Oh yeah, my hat rules too.



And here are some Polaroids I've been fucking with: Enjoy!







Oh! I'm home alone for two weeks which is gonna rule! Well, it just means I can walk around in my boxers and play music loud. Actually, I guess I can do that anytime. Bed time! !!!!!!!!!

Unsent for a reason..

Burial x BB

Thanks again to Viva Wade for showing me the ropes on technology.



Lots of things are going on as of late. Things are finally slowing down and I can focus on projects. I'm working on something now that I'm pretty stoked on. In fact, I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about it all night. Well, also because I had a horrible headache that is still lingering.

My moleskin is almost full of ideas so I just have to put them to work. My friend is borrowing my Nikon so I am forced to use film which I am totally OK with! I've taken so many pictures with the Holga. I can't wait to see how they have turned out.

I'm taking my time with the polaroids since I don't have much left. I love how they look.

Hoping for snow tonight and all day tomorrow. I would love a snow day.