There is nothing to understand.

This past week has been again, so surreal. The holidays have made it ten times awkward as well. I've been working non stop for a month now. I don't know what for though. Some people say they know why I picked up a second job and they may be right, but either way, it's helping me get through all this bullshit.

Thanksgiving was..weird. I got home around 5am and went to bed. I slept until around noon and went over a friends house. The whole day I felt really off. I don't know if it was me fucking up my sleep schedule or the emptiness I was feeling all morning. People started showing up and it was fun for a bit. The food was good even though I had maybe a half of plate. It was also nice to see everyone again. I felt sick to my stomach numerous times during the night and I thought drinking might make things blurry so I wouldn't think too hard. That didn't go over so well with my head and feelings. I'll just leave it as that. Either way, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. In fact, waking up the next morning, all I wanted to do was fast forward my life to January and forget all about the holidays. I can't remember the last time I dreaded the holidays so much.

One thing that has been really difficult is finding out who I was 4 years ago. It makes me sad that I can't remember how I felt back then or even what my way of thinking was..
I don't remember if I was happy or if I was enjoying life. Maybe I should just forget it all and not think about how I was then. Things are really confusing right now and I wish it would all just straighten out. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but it's been many nights now and I'm barley seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When I think I'm doing really good, something, anything, big or small triggers my emotions and I'm back to square one. I wish, hope, anything that it would all just go away so I can feel like I'm not constantly struggling to live. I know I can't go back to the way it was..I know part of me wants to because it's all I know right now..but I know what the outcome will be again.

I am grateful I have friends that put up with my emotional rollercoster. I know they are tired of it. I'm also grateful for other distractions. New friends, new thoughts, new memories, playing soccer, pharmaceuticals, etc. It all attributes to building a new life. When I re-read that, especially the last part, I got really sad. I think I am fighting with myself to let go. I say I do, but I don't think I truly want to let go. I've never been so afraid of change in my life.

Anyways, enough with the melodramatic bullshit..

My picture taking and book reading have slowed down a lot lately. But I have been running every morning and I'm really starting to like it. Not only does it makes me feel really good, but it also makes me feel like I'm actually living a healthy life. I used to despise running so much. Now, I look forward to it every morning. I'm feeling like this is a habit that will stick.

I hope I can get on a better schedule where I have time to read and take pictures as well as run and work. I'm sure it will happen, I just have to stop napping so much. But sleep is my true escape (unless I dream).

That's enough babbling for now. I'm going to go play with my dog and then meet a friend for coffee/movie later. Decaf for me please, work comes early tomorrow.

<3

miss you guys.

Everything..

Not physically, here they do it spiritually.

Monsieur Houdin, n'oebliez pas votre oiseau!

The last of the past

Current:

Scissors
Mending feelings
Markers
Reflecting
Thoughts
Polaroids
Warm Sheets
Adhesive materials
Active dreams
Prescription refills

anesthetized, deadened, unfeeling, sensationless and dead

This has been the longest weekend ever. I can't remember sleeping at all. I have a feeling that this work week will be long as well.

I've finished three books this month already and starting a fourth. I wish I could finish one particular one but it's extremely difficult to get through. It just reminds me of a life I no longer have a connection with.

The holidays are coming up and I am not looking forward to them whatsoever. I'd love to get away on both major holidays but work and funds are keeping me from doing that. I need to go back to Sacramento soon to see my sister's newborn. That will probably happen in the new year.

My mom and her husband are going to move to San Diego next year. That really leaves me with nothing in Seattle (Besides my friends of course). My mom and I had a long talk about living in Seattle this evening. She asked me if I liked living here. I couldn't answer the question really. There are aspects of the city I love but also some things I can live without. Once something (in this case a city) is associated with something or someone, it's hard to not think about those things all the time.

I'm not trying to escape, I'm just trying to deal and be happy.

Who knows..the next 3 months are going to be pretty interesting. If they are anything like the past month, then I'm in for a pretty epic ride.

Seattle X San Fran

Always wondering

Free trip to LA this weekend. Maybe I'll get out of town for a bit. We'll see how things pan out.

Banned

But still bangin'...

Weekends and Late Nights

Everything feels really weird lately. Even the normal things. I'm guessing that is change going into effect. I felt really nostalgic today. A lot of things reminded me of when I first moved to Seattle. I can't say that I never knew the future would be like this. But, those same smells and same feelings make me feel a little home sick. Not home sick, but past sick.

The constant feeling of being bummed it slowly fading but a small part is still there. And when those feelings crash with past memories, the small part overwhelms the not so bummed part.

Staying busy is helping. New people are helping. But, a part of my heart is missing and I don't know if it is ever going to heal.

Either way, things are better, (so much better) than they have been in the last...4 months. One thing that has changed is I'm sleeping better but sleeping less. I think in the past week I slept a total of 10 hours. I don't mind though; my time is being well spent. This week will be no different. A friend from SF is in town and she will be here until Tuesday so I gotta get major hang out time. But for now, I must get some sleep before this week starts.

rising sun

I don't know if it's really late or really early. I found a ton of more unused Polaroid film tonight and a Polaroid camera from the 70's at a friends. It looks like something fisher price would have put out. It definitely has a rainbow on it.

Time for bed...

Relief

I hate to think that my feelings are fading. Maybe those feelings are drowned out by something new and hopeful. I'd love to hold onto those feeling forever. I'd love to hold onto that one individual forever. But..even after all the pain and heartbreak, the feelings need to be let go. Saying it out loud feels unnatural but maybe doing something unnatural is what I need to be doing. Sinking heart and all..

In time, it will slowly fade and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to let go because it makes me feel real. I wanted justification that it was all worth it. But, I cannot live my life under the shadow of the past. I cannot progress if those feelings are still controlling my life. It's unfair to me and the people that are in my life.

Those feelings will always be crushing (believe me) but they will not be the end.

Be Free Part 2

Be Free

All Things Beautiful