Finally saying good-bye

I can say with absolute truth that 2008 has been one of the worst years of my life. Granted, the last few months have progressively gotten better but overall, fuck 2008.

Yes, there were few bright spots but god damn, the bad parts well overwhelmed the good parts.

But with saying that, I will say I have grown so much over the past year. I've learned so much about myself and others. I still feel isolated in my mind but I don't think that will ever change. I actually think it is a driving force for creativity. Maybe not but we will see...

So, onwards and upwards. Gotta keep that PMA strong!

More current events: The last two weeks have been devastating on my body. Not only am I bruised up from sledding most of the time, but my liver is killing me. All self inflicted of course. My sleep schedule is all fucked up and I can't remember the last time I ate a good meal or even a meal at home. I really gotta change that. I need to start cooking more at home and actually EATING more. I can't believe I'm actually saying it but yeah, I need to start eating more.

Nothing else really.....though my ears won't stop ringing. I think I'm going deaf.

I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY

My ears are ringing and it's starting to concern me.

The last two night, I have fallen asleep to 8 1/2 and Magnolia. Amazing dreams.

I saw some friends that moved to NYC tonight. It was awesome. Can't wait to see them again.

Really found out what was wrong with me...maybe details later.

I shouldn't have drove home in the state I'm in. OH FUCKING WELL GET FUCKED

Trying is not an option anymore.

Searching and Finding

Snowed in. Yes, I was snowed in with a bunch of friends since Thursday. It was a reallllly epic weekend that involved sleep overs, fights, TONS of booze, sledding, falling, bruises, more fights, snow ball fights, pushing cars up hills, falling down hills....you get the picture. There was drama but it all ended up good. A lot of us got closer as well this weekend which was awesome. I think there will be some photos of a drunk underwear party that happened last night? It was hazy but I'm pretty sure I'm almost naked. TIGHT!

I haven't worked since Wednesday and it feels nice but now I'm broke again. I can't go get my paycheck at job number 2 because my car is buried in snow. Hopefully this shit ends soon. I have to work tomorrow night and all day Wednesday. I need to log some hours or I'll really be fucked. I'm waking up early and driving to see my mom for xmas. I hope it doesn't snow again or I'm going to be spending xmas alone with me and tbone. Which I guess wouldn't be too bad but still, I'd like to see my mom for the holidays.

I am so worn out. The last 4 days were insane. It was a non-stop party the whole time. I think I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to finish this project I've been working on for a few weeks. I'm really hoping it turns out the way I have imagined it.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. My mood has been pretty positive but I guess I hardly have time to feel like shit. Also, I've been keeping busy with a bunch of stuff I've neglected in the past. Photo's, creating, all that shit.

Speaking of photos. I have retired my digital camera for a little bit and I started focusing on film. Not the cheapest route, but it's something I've wanted to put time into for a while. I'm using a Holga, Fish eye 35mm and a Spectra Polaroid. I have about 6 rolls to get developed and I'm really exited to see how they turn out. The holga is going to have a lot of light leaks which is exciting. I've been messing around with the Polaroid as well. Double, even triple exposures. Stoked on those.

So here are a few pictures from the last two weeks. I'll start from last to first.

This is me using my friend's Mac Book. The only reason I like this photo is because I'm wearing a tight ass Sex Vid tie dye shirt. CROOSH!



Eastlake Snow Day Crew. Front left to right. Me, Julie (roommate) Lazzy (also a roommate) Kyle, and Jenn C. We went to this sweet vintage store on Eastlake and picked up some KILLER sleds. They ruled. Oh yeah, my hat rules too.



And here are some Polaroids I've been fucking with: Enjoy!







Oh! I'm home alone for two weeks which is gonna rule! Well, it just means I can walk around in my boxers and play music loud. Actually, I guess I can do that anytime. Bed time! !!!!!!!!!

Unsent for a reason..

Burial x BB

Thanks again to Viva Wade for showing me the ropes on technology.



Lots of things are going on as of late. Things are finally slowing down and I can focus on projects. I'm working on something now that I'm pretty stoked on. In fact, I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about it all night. Well, also because I had a horrible headache that is still lingering.

My moleskin is almost full of ideas so I just have to put them to work. My friend is borrowing my Nikon so I am forced to use film which I am totally OK with! I've taken so many pictures with the Holga. I can't wait to see how they have turned out.

I'm taking my time with the polaroids since I don't have much left. I love how they look.

Hoping for snow tonight and all day tomorrow. I would love a snow day.

week 1

I've been sleeping off and on lately. For a few nights, I would sleep non stop for 8+ hours. But last night, I was waking up every half hour. Today is going to be super long but this weekend should be awesome. No real plans, just laying low and catching up on missed time.

Last weekend was pretty much no sleep. I hope it snows this weekend so I have an excuse not to leave my bedroom.

I'm pretty over the holidays already. I really just want it to be January. In fact, February would be nice instead. I wish I didn't feel this way towards the holidays. I remember when I was a kid, this was the time of year I was happiest. No worries..

I'm going to start a Six Feet Under marathon this weekend. I'm really excited to watch that show again. I watched the final 9 minutes of the series finale a few days ago. That shit is rough to watch.

I hoping this good feeling will last for a while. I have some doubts...or maybe some concerns...or maybe it's just paranoia. Whatever it is..I just need to go with the flow.

On the up side of things, I went to a gigantic birthday party last weekend in Beacon hill. When I say gigantic, I mean at least 200 people. The people were really awesome and I had a good time even though I knew no one there. But besides that, it was a really fun night.

Relax...and recover..

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood

I don't understand these claims.

I've become an absolute pussy.



All I want to listen to is this shit.

oh yeah, and this:

Bright

I woke up around 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. I hopped online and found these gems:



New Mix tape! So stoked. My obsession for this group is above and beyond.


And then on the other end of the spectrum:



My obsession with Antony is above and beyond as well. I've listened to Another World everyday since it came out. I can't wait till February 28th...

Your Funeral

Last night was the first time I dreamt and understood what meaning it had with it.

I was floating in the ocean with no land in site. I was calm and peaceful. I slowly started to let the air out of my lungs and sink. It felt like hours and as I was sinking, memories flashed and it was awful. It was painful to remember all that shit in one setting but it was also a relief to see it all disappear. The faster I sank, the faster the bad memories would go away.

I think for the longest time I've had issues with abandonment and it was proving true in this dream. I remember crying in the water as I sank deeper and deeper. The deeper I went the worst the memories got. Until, finally before I hit bottom, the past 4 years were wrapped up in one face. Once that face was close enough for me to see, I let all water I could into my lungs. It didn't hurt at all. It felt like life was filling up inside me. The more the water went into me, the more the face would disappear. Then it was over. I remember looking at my lifeless, dead body at the bottom of the ocean from somewhere above. It was the best feeling I've ever felt.

When I woke up, my pillow was soaked. I had thought I was sweating all night but then touched my face and realized I was crying the whole time. I didn't feel sad when I woke up; in fact I felt good.

I know I have a lot of things to deal with. I do not blame anyone but myself for what has happened in my life. I only truly have ill will towards one person. I cannot be upset with someones choices even if it hurts me to no end. I know some day I will be OK with this point in my life. I know some day I will wake up and finally be able to breath. I know someday I will want to re-build that friendship that I lost and miss every second of the day. But now is not the time. Now is the hardest part. Nothing is going to change if the life that left surrounds me everyday. The bed, the friends, the job, the smells, the touch.

I need to leave this apartment. I need to leave this city. I need to leave this life and start from the beginning. I don't need to remember how I used to be. I need to know how I am right now and how I will be tomorrow and the next..etc.

I'm not running away. I'm not accepting failure. I'm saving myself from that dream I had becoming true. I feel it coming closer and closer. Even though it was relief, it was the end and I'm not ready to see the end. Not just yet...