TSW

Day and Nite

For when I am missing.

This have been alright recently. I can say that I'm feeling OK even though I'm working all the time. There are so many things that 2009 can bring and I hope a lot of them are put into motion.

I've always had a weird relationship with people. Friends, family, girlfriends, etc. I am really starting to understand how a lot of that works. I was with a friend yesterday visiting her at work and I started talking about some drama within our circle of friends. It dawned upon me that I get annoyed really easily with drama like that.. and in fact, I can only hang out with that crowd for a certain amount of time before I become upset/annoyed for one reason or the other. Don't get me wrong, I consider them good friends but a break is nice.

Then on the other hand, I have some people that I can be around all the time and never get sick of it. I feel bad for those people because once I do hang out with them, all the emotion and venting comes out full force. I know that they don't mind it but looking back on it, I should settle it down a bit. I think..no I know the reason that happens. I just can't open up to anybody and when I am around the select few, I can't help but to talk their ear off.

I've seen one of the people a few times in the past couple of weeks and talk to them almost everyday. It feels really good to have a friend so special like that. Someone that you can feel so comfortable with and know that you can tell them anything regardless of how shitty it is...

These are the types of people I'm afraid of losing. I know all of us will never be together forever. Friends yes, but not in the same location. In fact, I only have that one living near me now. I know I need to get used to doing this on my own and not relying on friends to always be there with open ears.

It's a lonely world out there and when I don't have those people around me, I feel like the only person in the world. No one to talk to...I know they are just a phone call away but it really isn't the same.

Right now, I just have to be fortunate that I still have one that I can see on a consistent basis or know that she is there if I ever need anything.

My struggle is expressing how much I appreciate their friendship. I mean, yeah, words are great but sometimes I need it to be more than words...more than a hug. I can't really explain it properly. I know they are aware of how much I love them, but I think it's something that has to deal with me and me only.

I am too giving. To my loved ones, I am way too giving. I give and give and never want anything in return but maybe that is the issue. Subconsciously, maybe I am needing fulfillment. I know they are my friends and I know they would do anything with me but it's something with me. Maybe that's why I feel this way. Or maybe, just seeing them happy and being around them is enough. Maybe that's why I tag along with my close friends. If they would move somewhere, it always crosses my mind to move there too. I can't seem to break away from this even though I know I should. I just don't want to be alone and without those people I am alone and it's the worst feeling ever.

We are all living in the history books now.

2009.

Last night was the worst sleep I've had in a long time. I'm pretty sure it was because I took a nap in the middle of the day.

But, I did have a dream and it was a dream that felt so real. I'm guessing the last 4 days have been pretty surreal and a lot has been on my mind. Saturday was seriously one of the best days I've had in a while. Speaking to someone who I haven't spoke to in a long time felt amazing. One thing I cannot do is hide anything from that person. I opened up probably a little too much but I couldn't help myself.

Either way, it was good and felt natural. I'm not going to hide the fact that I think about this person every day and will probably do the same for the rest of my life. I think you get to a certain point in your life when you know who you want to be around for the remainder of your days. So, I had to suck it up and make a choice. Either mend the relationship or miss each day I go without speaking to that person. I know I made the right decision.

I love that person and will continue to love that person even if we are not in close vicinity. I do dread the day that one of us moves but I know that day will come and I will have to deal with it.

There have been a lot of people leave my life and I think I am starting to have abandonment issues. I want to follow those people wherever they go so I can be close to them but that would mean I'd be sacrificing my life for them. It's too bad because I don't have a problem doing that. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be relaying on others to supply my happiness but I'm tired of people going in and out of my life. Just once, I'd love to have friends/girlfriends stay with me and/or around me. I know it's selfish. I know that will never happen but I think that is the main source of my loneliness. I just don't know how to deal with it.

It has almost made me stop making friends or hanging out with people because I'm afraid to get too close and then they or I up and leave. Horrible way to live life but until I find a way to treat this, I'm just going to keep doing it.

Saying that, there is an 65% chance I will be making a move away from Seattle in 2009. I guess it's my way of actually setting a goal. Seattle has been great over the past 4-5 years. I've made great friends and lost friends. Either way, it has been a significant point in my life.

If you asked me where I am going to go, or what I am going to do...I wouldn't have the slightest clue. All I know is I need to start learning to be an individual. I know it's going to be hard and I know I may lose a lot along that road but it has to be done.

I fear being alone and I think this is going to be the loneliest time of my life. But if I get through this, I know I can get through anything.

Finally saying good-bye

I can say with absolute truth that 2008 has been one of the worst years of my life. Granted, the last few months have progressively gotten better but overall, fuck 2008.

Yes, there were few bright spots but god damn, the bad parts well overwhelmed the good parts.

But with saying that, I will say I have grown so much over the past year. I've learned so much about myself and others. I still feel isolated in my mind but I don't think that will ever change. I actually think it is a driving force for creativity. Maybe not but we will see...

So, onwards and upwards. Gotta keep that PMA strong!

More current events: The last two weeks have been devastating on my body. Not only am I bruised up from sledding most of the time, but my liver is killing me. All self inflicted of course. My sleep schedule is all fucked up and I can't remember the last time I ate a good meal or even a meal at home. I really gotta change that. I need to start cooking more at home and actually EATING more. I can't believe I'm actually saying it but yeah, I need to start eating more.

Nothing else really.....though my ears won't stop ringing. I think I'm going deaf.

I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY

My ears are ringing and it's starting to concern me.

The last two night, I have fallen asleep to 8 1/2 and Magnolia. Amazing dreams.

I saw some friends that moved to NYC tonight. It was awesome. Can't wait to see them again.

Really found out what was wrong with me...maybe details later.

I shouldn't have drove home in the state I'm in. OH FUCKING WELL GET FUCKED

Trying is not an option anymore.

Searching and Finding

Snowed in. Yes, I was snowed in with a bunch of friends since Thursday. It was a reallllly epic weekend that involved sleep overs, fights, TONS of booze, sledding, falling, bruises, more fights, snow ball fights, pushing cars up hills, falling down hills....you get the picture. There was drama but it all ended up good. A lot of us got closer as well this weekend which was awesome. I think there will be some photos of a drunk underwear party that happened last night? It was hazy but I'm pretty sure I'm almost naked. TIGHT!

I haven't worked since Wednesday and it feels nice but now I'm broke again. I can't go get my paycheck at job number 2 because my car is buried in snow. Hopefully this shit ends soon. I have to work tomorrow night and all day Wednesday. I need to log some hours or I'll really be fucked. I'm waking up early and driving to see my mom for xmas. I hope it doesn't snow again or I'm going to be spending xmas alone with me and tbone. Which I guess wouldn't be too bad but still, I'd like to see my mom for the holidays.

I am so worn out. The last 4 days were insane. It was a non-stop party the whole time. I think I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to finish this project I've been working on for a few weeks. I'm really hoping it turns out the way I have imagined it.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. My mood has been pretty positive but I guess I hardly have time to feel like shit. Also, I've been keeping busy with a bunch of stuff I've neglected in the past. Photo's, creating, all that shit.

Speaking of photos. I have retired my digital camera for a little bit and I started focusing on film. Not the cheapest route, but it's something I've wanted to put time into for a while. I'm using a Holga, Fish eye 35mm and a Spectra Polaroid. I have about 6 rolls to get developed and I'm really exited to see how they turn out. The holga is going to have a lot of light leaks which is exciting. I've been messing around with the Polaroid as well. Double, even triple exposures. Stoked on those.

So here are a few pictures from the last two weeks. I'll start from last to first.

This is me using my friend's Mac Book. The only reason I like this photo is because I'm wearing a tight ass Sex Vid tie dye shirt. CROOSH!



Eastlake Snow Day Crew. Front left to right. Me, Julie (roommate) Lazzy (also a roommate) Kyle, and Jenn C. We went to this sweet vintage store on Eastlake and picked up some KILLER sleds. They ruled. Oh yeah, my hat rules too.



And here are some Polaroids I've been fucking with: Enjoy!







Oh! I'm home alone for two weeks which is gonna rule! Well, it just means I can walk around in my boxers and play music loud. Actually, I guess I can do that anytime. Bed time! !!!!!!!!!

Unsent for a reason..

Burial x BB

Thanks again to Viva Wade for showing me the ropes on technology.



Lots of things are going on as of late. Things are finally slowing down and I can focus on projects. I'm working on something now that I'm pretty stoked on. In fact, I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about it all night. Well, also because I had a horrible headache that is still lingering.

My moleskin is almost full of ideas so I just have to put them to work. My friend is borrowing my Nikon so I am forced to use film which I am totally OK with! I've taken so many pictures with the Holga. I can't wait to see how they have turned out.

I'm taking my time with the polaroids since I don't have much left. I love how they look.

Hoping for snow tonight and all day tomorrow. I would love a snow day.

week 1

I've been sleeping off and on lately. For a few nights, I would sleep non stop for 8+ hours. But last night, I was waking up every half hour. Today is going to be super long but this weekend should be awesome. No real plans, just laying low and catching up on missed time.

Last weekend was pretty much no sleep. I hope it snows this weekend so I have an excuse not to leave my bedroom.

I'm pretty over the holidays already. I really just want it to be January. In fact, February would be nice instead. I wish I didn't feel this way towards the holidays. I remember when I was a kid, this was the time of year I was happiest. No worries..

I'm going to start a Six Feet Under marathon this weekend. I'm really excited to watch that show again. I watched the final 9 minutes of the series finale a few days ago. That shit is rough to watch.

I hoping this good feeling will last for a while. I have some doubts...or maybe some concerns...or maybe it's just paranoia. Whatever it is..I just need to go with the flow.

On the up side of things, I went to a gigantic birthday party last weekend in Beacon hill. When I say gigantic, I mean at least 200 people. The people were really awesome and I had a good time even though I knew no one there. But besides that, it was a really fun night.

Relax...and recover..

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood

I don't understand these claims.

I've become an absolute pussy.



All I want to listen to is this shit.

oh yeah, and this:

Bright

I woke up around 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. I hopped online and found these gems:



New Mix tape! So stoked. My obsession for this group is above and beyond.


And then on the other end of the spectrum:



My obsession with Antony is above and beyond as well. I've listened to Another World everyday since it came out. I can't wait till February 28th...

Your Funeral

Last night was the first time I dreamt and understood what meaning it had with it.

I was floating in the ocean with no land in site. I was calm and peaceful. I slowly started to let the air out of my lungs and sink. It felt like hours and as I was sinking, memories flashed and it was awful. It was painful to remember all that shit in one setting but it was also a relief to see it all disappear. The faster I sank, the faster the bad memories would go away.

I think for the longest time I've had issues with abandonment and it was proving true in this dream. I remember crying in the water as I sank deeper and deeper. The deeper I went the worst the memories got. Until, finally before I hit bottom, the past 4 years were wrapped up in one face. Once that face was close enough for me to see, I let all water I could into my lungs. It didn't hurt at all. It felt like life was filling up inside me. The more the water went into me, the more the face would disappear. Then it was over. I remember looking at my lifeless, dead body at the bottom of the ocean from somewhere above. It was the best feeling I've ever felt.

When I woke up, my pillow was soaked. I had thought I was sweating all night but then touched my face and realized I was crying the whole time. I didn't feel sad when I woke up; in fact I felt good.

I know I have a lot of things to deal with. I do not blame anyone but myself for what has happened in my life. I only truly have ill will towards one person. I cannot be upset with someones choices even if it hurts me to no end. I know some day I will be OK with this point in my life. I know some day I will wake up and finally be able to breath. I know someday I will want to re-build that friendship that I lost and miss every second of the day. But now is not the time. Now is the hardest part. Nothing is going to change if the life that left surrounds me everyday. The bed, the friends, the job, the smells, the touch.

I need to leave this apartment. I need to leave this city. I need to leave this life and start from the beginning. I don't need to remember how I used to be. I need to know how I am right now and how I will be tomorrow and the next..etc.

I'm not running away. I'm not accepting failure. I'm saving myself from that dream I had becoming true. I feel it coming closer and closer. Even though it was relief, it was the end and I'm not ready to see the end. Not just yet...

There is nothing to understand.

This past week has been again, so surreal. The holidays have made it ten times awkward as well. I've been working non stop for a month now. I don't know what for though. Some people say they know why I picked up a second job and they may be right, but either way, it's helping me get through all this bullshit.

Thanksgiving was..weird. I got home around 5am and went to bed. I slept until around noon and went over a friends house. The whole day I felt really off. I don't know if it was me fucking up my sleep schedule or the emptiness I was feeling all morning. People started showing up and it was fun for a bit. The food was good even though I had maybe a half of plate. It was also nice to see everyone again. I felt sick to my stomach numerous times during the night and I thought drinking might make things blurry so I wouldn't think too hard. That didn't go over so well with my head and feelings. I'll just leave it as that. Either way, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. In fact, waking up the next morning, all I wanted to do was fast forward my life to January and forget all about the holidays. I can't remember the last time I dreaded the holidays so much.

One thing that has been really difficult is finding out who I was 4 years ago. It makes me sad that I can't remember how I felt back then or even what my way of thinking was..
I don't remember if I was happy or if I was enjoying life. Maybe I should just forget it all and not think about how I was then. Things are really confusing right now and I wish it would all just straighten out. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but it's been many nights now and I'm barley seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When I think I'm doing really good, something, anything, big or small triggers my emotions and I'm back to square one. I wish, hope, anything that it would all just go away so I can feel like I'm not constantly struggling to live. I know I can't go back to the way it was..I know part of me wants to because it's all I know right now..but I know what the outcome will be again.

I am grateful I have friends that put up with my emotional rollercoster. I know they are tired of it. I'm also grateful for other distractions. New friends, new thoughts, new memories, playing soccer, pharmaceuticals, etc. It all attributes to building a new life. When I re-read that, especially the last part, I got really sad. I think I am fighting with myself to let go. I say I do, but I don't think I truly want to let go. I've never been so afraid of change in my life.

Anyways, enough with the melodramatic bullshit..

My picture taking and book reading have slowed down a lot lately. But I have been running every morning and I'm really starting to like it. Not only does it makes me feel really good, but it also makes me feel like I'm actually living a healthy life. I used to despise running so much. Now, I look forward to it every morning. I'm feeling like this is a habit that will stick.

I hope I can get on a better schedule where I have time to read and take pictures as well as run and work. I'm sure it will happen, I just have to stop napping so much. But sleep is my true escape (unless I dream).

That's enough babbling for now. I'm going to go play with my dog and then meet a friend for coffee/movie later. Decaf for me please, work comes early tomorrow.

<3

miss you guys.

Everything..

Not physically, here they do it spiritually.