Finally saying good-bye

I can say with absolute truth that 2008 has been one of the worst years of my life. Granted, the last few months have progressively gotten better but overall, fuck 2008.

Yes, there were few bright spots but god damn, the bad parts well overwhelmed the good parts.

But with saying that, I will say I have grown so much over the past year. I've learned so much about myself and others. I still feel isolated in my mind but I don't think that will ever change. I actually think it is a driving force for creativity. Maybe not but we will see...

So, onwards and upwards. Gotta keep that PMA strong!

More current events: The last two weeks have been devastating on my body. Not only am I bruised up from sledding most of the time, but my liver is killing me. All self inflicted of course. My sleep schedule is all fucked up and I can't remember the last time I ate a good meal or even a meal at home. I really gotta change that. I need to start cooking more at home and actually EATING more. I can't believe I'm actually saying it but yeah, I need to start eating more.

Nothing else really.....though my ears won't stop ringing. I think I'm going deaf.

I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY

My ears are ringing and it's starting to concern me.

The last two night, I have fallen asleep to 8 1/2 and Magnolia. Amazing dreams.

I saw some friends that moved to NYC tonight. It was awesome. Can't wait to see them again.

Really found out what was wrong with me...maybe details later.

I shouldn't have drove home in the state I'm in. OH FUCKING WELL GET FUCKED

Trying is not an option anymore.

Searching and Finding

Snowed in. Yes, I was snowed in with a bunch of friends since Thursday. It was a reallllly epic weekend that involved sleep overs, fights, TONS of booze, sledding, falling, bruises, more fights, snow ball fights, pushing cars up hills, falling down hills....you get the picture. There was drama but it all ended up good. A lot of us got closer as well this weekend which was awesome. I think there will be some photos of a drunk underwear party that happened last night? It was hazy but I'm pretty sure I'm almost naked. TIGHT!

I haven't worked since Wednesday and it feels nice but now I'm broke again. I can't go get my paycheck at job number 2 because my car is buried in snow. Hopefully this shit ends soon. I have to work tomorrow night and all day Wednesday. I need to log some hours or I'll really be fucked. I'm waking up early and driving to see my mom for xmas. I hope it doesn't snow again or I'm going to be spending xmas alone with me and tbone. Which I guess wouldn't be too bad but still, I'd like to see my mom for the holidays.

I am so worn out. The last 4 days were insane. It was a non-stop party the whole time. I think I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to finish this project I've been working on for a few weeks. I'm really hoping it turns out the way I have imagined it.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. My mood has been pretty positive but I guess I hardly have time to feel like shit. Also, I've been keeping busy with a bunch of stuff I've neglected in the past. Photo's, creating, all that shit.

Speaking of photos. I have retired my digital camera for a little bit and I started focusing on film. Not the cheapest route, but it's something I've wanted to put time into for a while. I'm using a Holga, Fish eye 35mm and a Spectra Polaroid. I have about 6 rolls to get developed and I'm really exited to see how they turn out. The holga is going to have a lot of light leaks which is exciting. I've been messing around with the Polaroid as well. Double, even triple exposures. Stoked on those.

So here are a few pictures from the last two weeks. I'll start from last to first.

This is me using my friend's Mac Book. The only reason I like this photo is because I'm wearing a tight ass Sex Vid tie dye shirt. CROOSH!



Eastlake Snow Day Crew. Front left to right. Me, Julie (roommate) Lazzy (also a roommate) Kyle, and Jenn C. We went to this sweet vintage store on Eastlake and picked up some KILLER sleds. They ruled. Oh yeah, my hat rules too.



And here are some Polaroids I've been fucking with: Enjoy!







Oh! I'm home alone for two weeks which is gonna rule! Well, it just means I can walk around in my boxers and play music loud. Actually, I guess I can do that anytime. Bed time! !!!!!!!!!

Unsent for a reason..

Burial x BB

Thanks again to Viva Wade for showing me the ropes on technology.



Lots of things are going on as of late. Things are finally slowing down and I can focus on projects. I'm working on something now that I'm pretty stoked on. In fact, I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about it all night. Well, also because I had a horrible headache that is still lingering.

My moleskin is almost full of ideas so I just have to put them to work. My friend is borrowing my Nikon so I am forced to use film which I am totally OK with! I've taken so many pictures with the Holga. I can't wait to see how they have turned out.

I'm taking my time with the polaroids since I don't have much left. I love how they look.

Hoping for snow tonight and all day tomorrow. I would love a snow day.

week 1

I've been sleeping off and on lately. For a few nights, I would sleep non stop for 8+ hours. But last night, I was waking up every half hour. Today is going to be super long but this weekend should be awesome. No real plans, just laying low and catching up on missed time.

Last weekend was pretty much no sleep. I hope it snows this weekend so I have an excuse not to leave my bedroom.

I'm pretty over the holidays already. I really just want it to be January. In fact, February would be nice instead. I wish I didn't feel this way towards the holidays. I remember when I was a kid, this was the time of year I was happiest. No worries..

I'm going to start a Six Feet Under marathon this weekend. I'm really excited to watch that show again. I watched the final 9 minutes of the series finale a few days ago. That shit is rough to watch.

I hoping this good feeling will last for a while. I have some doubts...or maybe some concerns...or maybe it's just paranoia. Whatever it is..I just need to go with the flow.

On the up side of things, I went to a gigantic birthday party last weekend in Beacon hill. When I say gigantic, I mean at least 200 people. The people were really awesome and I had a good time even though I knew no one there. But besides that, it was a really fun night.

Relax...and recover..

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood

I don't understand these claims.

I've become an absolute pussy.



All I want to listen to is this shit.

oh yeah, and this:

Bright

I woke up around 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. I hopped online and found these gems:



New Mix tape! So stoked. My obsession for this group is above and beyond.


And then on the other end of the spectrum:



My obsession with Antony is above and beyond as well. I've listened to Another World everyday since it came out. I can't wait till February 28th...

Your Funeral

Last night was the first time I dreamt and understood what meaning it had with it.

I was floating in the ocean with no land in site. I was calm and peaceful. I slowly started to let the air out of my lungs and sink. It felt like hours and as I was sinking, memories flashed and it was awful. It was painful to remember all that shit in one setting but it was also a relief to see it all disappear. The faster I sank, the faster the bad memories would go away.

I think for the longest time I've had issues with abandonment and it was proving true in this dream. I remember crying in the water as I sank deeper and deeper. The deeper I went the worst the memories got. Until, finally before I hit bottom, the past 4 years were wrapped up in one face. Once that face was close enough for me to see, I let all water I could into my lungs. It didn't hurt at all. It felt like life was filling up inside me. The more the water went into me, the more the face would disappear. Then it was over. I remember looking at my lifeless, dead body at the bottom of the ocean from somewhere above. It was the best feeling I've ever felt.

When I woke up, my pillow was soaked. I had thought I was sweating all night but then touched my face and realized I was crying the whole time. I didn't feel sad when I woke up; in fact I felt good.

I know I have a lot of things to deal with. I do not blame anyone but myself for what has happened in my life. I only truly have ill will towards one person. I cannot be upset with someones choices even if it hurts me to no end. I know some day I will be OK with this point in my life. I know some day I will wake up and finally be able to breath. I know someday I will want to re-build that friendship that I lost and miss every second of the day. But now is not the time. Now is the hardest part. Nothing is going to change if the life that left surrounds me everyday. The bed, the friends, the job, the smells, the touch.

I need to leave this apartment. I need to leave this city. I need to leave this life and start from the beginning. I don't need to remember how I used to be. I need to know how I am right now and how I will be tomorrow and the next..etc.

I'm not running away. I'm not accepting failure. I'm saving myself from that dream I had becoming true. I feel it coming closer and closer. Even though it was relief, it was the end and I'm not ready to see the end. Not just yet...

There is nothing to understand.

This past week has been again, so surreal. The holidays have made it ten times awkward as well. I've been working non stop for a month now. I don't know what for though. Some people say they know why I picked up a second job and they may be right, but either way, it's helping me get through all this bullshit.

Thanksgiving was..weird. I got home around 5am and went to bed. I slept until around noon and went over a friends house. The whole day I felt really off. I don't know if it was me fucking up my sleep schedule or the emptiness I was feeling all morning. People started showing up and it was fun for a bit. The food was good even though I had maybe a half of plate. It was also nice to see everyone again. I felt sick to my stomach numerous times during the night and I thought drinking might make things blurry so I wouldn't think too hard. That didn't go over so well with my head and feelings. I'll just leave it as that. Either way, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all. In fact, waking up the next morning, all I wanted to do was fast forward my life to January and forget all about the holidays. I can't remember the last time I dreaded the holidays so much.

One thing that has been really difficult is finding out who I was 4 years ago. It makes me sad that I can't remember how I felt back then or even what my way of thinking was..
I don't remember if I was happy or if I was enjoying life. Maybe I should just forget it all and not think about how I was then. Things are really confusing right now and I wish it would all just straighten out. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but it's been many nights now and I'm barley seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When I think I'm doing really good, something, anything, big or small triggers my emotions and I'm back to square one. I wish, hope, anything that it would all just go away so I can feel like I'm not constantly struggling to live. I know I can't go back to the way it was..I know part of me wants to because it's all I know right now..but I know what the outcome will be again.

I am grateful I have friends that put up with my emotional rollercoster. I know they are tired of it. I'm also grateful for other distractions. New friends, new thoughts, new memories, playing soccer, pharmaceuticals, etc. It all attributes to building a new life. When I re-read that, especially the last part, I got really sad. I think I am fighting with myself to let go. I say I do, but I don't think I truly want to let go. I've never been so afraid of change in my life.

Anyways, enough with the melodramatic bullshit..

My picture taking and book reading have slowed down a lot lately. But I have been running every morning and I'm really starting to like it. Not only does it makes me feel really good, but it also makes me feel like I'm actually living a healthy life. I used to despise running so much. Now, I look forward to it every morning. I'm feeling like this is a habit that will stick.

I hope I can get on a better schedule where I have time to read and take pictures as well as run and work. I'm sure it will happen, I just have to stop napping so much. But sleep is my true escape (unless I dream).

That's enough babbling for now. I'm going to go play with my dog and then meet a friend for coffee/movie later. Decaf for me please, work comes early tomorrow.

<3

miss you guys.

Everything..

Not physically, here they do it spiritually.

Monsieur Houdin, n'oebliez pas votre oiseau!

The last of the past

Current:

Scissors
Mending feelings
Markers
Reflecting
Thoughts
Polaroids
Warm Sheets
Adhesive materials
Active dreams
Prescription refills

anesthetized, deadened, unfeeling, sensationless and dead

This has been the longest weekend ever. I can't remember sleeping at all. I have a feeling that this work week will be long as well.

I've finished three books this month already and starting a fourth. I wish I could finish one particular one but it's extremely difficult to get through. It just reminds me of a life I no longer have a connection with.

The holidays are coming up and I am not looking forward to them whatsoever. I'd love to get away on both major holidays but work and funds are keeping me from doing that. I need to go back to Sacramento soon to see my sister's newborn. That will probably happen in the new year.

My mom and her husband are going to move to San Diego next year. That really leaves me with nothing in Seattle (Besides my friends of course). My mom and I had a long talk about living in Seattle this evening. She asked me if I liked living here. I couldn't answer the question really. There are aspects of the city I love but also some things I can live without. Once something (in this case a city) is associated with something or someone, it's hard to not think about those things all the time.

I'm not trying to escape, I'm just trying to deal and be happy.

Who knows..the next 3 months are going to be pretty interesting. If they are anything like the past month, then I'm in for a pretty epic ride.

Seattle X San Fran

Always wondering

Free trip to LA this weekend. Maybe I'll get out of town for a bit. We'll see how things pan out.

Banned

But still bangin'...

Weekends and Late Nights

Everything feels really weird lately. Even the normal things. I'm guessing that is change going into effect. I felt really nostalgic today. A lot of things reminded me of when I first moved to Seattle. I can't say that I never knew the future would be like this. But, those same smells and same feelings make me feel a little home sick. Not home sick, but past sick.

The constant feeling of being bummed it slowly fading but a small part is still there. And when those feelings crash with past memories, the small part overwhelms the not so bummed part.

Staying busy is helping. New people are helping. But, a part of my heart is missing and I don't know if it is ever going to heal.

Either way, things are better, (so much better) than they have been in the last...4 months. One thing that has changed is I'm sleeping better but sleeping less. I think in the past week I slept a total of 10 hours. I don't mind though; my time is being well spent. This week will be no different. A friend from SF is in town and she will be here until Tuesday so I gotta get major hang out time. But for now, I must get some sleep before this week starts.

rising sun

I don't know if it's really late or really early. I found a ton of more unused Polaroid film tonight and a Polaroid camera from the 70's at a friends. It looks like something fisher price would have put out. It definitely has a rainbow on it.

Time for bed...

Relief

I hate to think that my feelings are fading. Maybe those feelings are drowned out by something new and hopeful. I'd love to hold onto those feeling forever. I'd love to hold onto that one individual forever. But..even after all the pain and heartbreak, the feelings need to be let go. Saying it out loud feels unnatural but maybe doing something unnatural is what I need to be doing. Sinking heart and all..

In time, it will slowly fade and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to let go because it makes me feel real. I wanted justification that it was all worth it. But, I cannot live my life under the shadow of the past. I cannot progress if those feelings are still controlling my life. It's unfair to me and the people that are in my life.

Those feelings will always be crushing (believe me) but they will not be the end.

Be Free Part 2

Be Free

All Things Beautiful

All they do is stare like I'm in a fish bowl

Three pokes a charm



Collars to the ceiling, I'm dreaming somebody pinch me..



I love the "take with food" symbol is a hamburger. Mmmmm hamburger.

Past Weekend

Overheard in the office

"Do you have any tums?"
"Yeah. You know I haven't had one of these and they are almost gone."
"Hey, I'll pay you back. I came good on the stamps I borrowed and I will come good on the tums."
"....."

It starts with you.

for the road

posi chris



isolation with text



You know my build. You know my size. The degree to which my eyes are astigmatic.

Well I don't feel like gettin' my nails done today...

Coldest Winter

absentee

What do you do when you try and try and try and try to hang out with a long time friend and they are just unresponsive? Do you just give up and forget about them? Do you keep trying harder until you are let down even more?

Hmm, sounds vaguely familiar to something else.

Any ways, I'm sick but it's up and down. The week has been up and down. But I also realized that it will never always be good and never always be bad so I should just shut the fuck up and deal with this shit.

I saw some good people last night. It was low key and I hope I see some of them more.

I think I'm heading to the islands with a friend this weekend. I think it's healthy to get out of town every once in a while. The San Juan islands are so awesome and I'm kicking myself for not spending more time up there. Loading the car up with cameras, sleeping bags, t-bone, food, ipods, and good conversation material.


In other dramatic news, I've been going through boxes of old shit recently. Kind of feeling shitty about all of my surroundings so a friend suggested that I burn it all. In most cases, I would disagree with throwing away stuff that reminds me of the past but for right now, I think it's alright. Mentally cleansing so to say. Whatever, it all needs to go. If I move anywhere, I want to have make sure that I'm only taking a few boxes. I'm not trying to erase my life in Seattle, I'm just doing what feels right.

I have a sick feeling that when I drink, and drink a lot, I act like a person that I really don't want to hang out with. A lot of opinions change when you are sober around drunk people. I think it shows a side, that if you were drunk as well, you wouldn't care about. I also think this comes with age because I never had that thought before. I mean of course I have witnessed people turn into douche bags but never had seen it in this light before. God, I must have looked like a complete idiot the past two weekends and probably many times before. I always think about one time I drank WAY too much wine and someone had to literally take care of me when I was vomiting and stumbling around the house. And I remember what that person said to me...saying I reminded them of someone that used to have to take of when they acted similar. It's an awful, sinking feeling to be compared to someone that hurt the other person so much. I still think about that a lot when I drink. Recently, I haven't cared but I need to start caring because I never, ever, ever want to be compared in that sense again.


So yeah! awesome stuff. This entry is so fucking scatterbrained but hey, welcome to this disordered head.

I'm still jocking Why? way too hard. I've really been into this song a lot lately

Simeon's Dilemma :
stalker's my whole style
and if i get caught i'll
deny deny deny

today you're 25
i made you something fine
it's in the palm of my new hand
it's out
you're mostly what i think about and
i'm proud
i've been coasting on this singles route

but i still hear your name
in wedding bells
will i look better or will i look the same
rotting in hell
you're the only proper noun i need
hurry
my copper crown's gone green
pull me, pull me on out of this tree
i'm stuck up a branch waiting
clearly caught between
two things unclear to me

are you a female young messiah
for stowaways in dugouts
and are you what church folk mean
by the good news
pulling plastic bags off heads
or are you giving me a dirty look
in the rear view
clicking the button on your u-ha pen
don't pretend you didn't see me
coming round the bend
on my fixi with the chopped corns turned in
trailing behind your biodiesal bends

stalker's my whole style
and if i get caught i'll
deny deny deny

25 carved with a butter knife
on the palm of my new hand
it's out
you're mostly what i think about

P.S

I haven't met anyone else that likes this band. But I couldn't care less.

Please, if you do, let's hang out.

The new EP is going to be epic.




The true definition of emotionally heavy.

black cloud

After a few good weeks, things have went to shit.

I don't think I will be able to take that new part time job because they want me to start working at 330 PM which my current job will not let me do.

And I'm getting sick. and about a ton of other things I'd care not to think about or mention. I should have jumped at the chance to get the fuck away. What was hell was I thinking?

Starting from scratch sucks.

Pretty much

Dumb Dumb Dumb

This Sunday night drinking thing has to come to an end. Last night was awful and I embarrassed myself so bad.

On the up side....actually there is no upside to last night whatsoever.

I'm starting my second job soon working with troubled teens with addictions. It should be good/weird experience.

For now, I have to put a smile on and drink some more water.

Complex Societies

Last night I was over at a friends house watching the new Indiana Jones movie. It was super late and I was half asleep but the movie really made me want to beef up my knowledge of Mayan Culture. When I got home this morning, I started trolling around Wikipedia and reading all sorts of awesome articles on the Mayans. I don't know why I never really got into them before but it's extremely fascinating. I'm headed to the book store soon to find some books that will inform me more about the Mayans. I wish my good buddy Pat lived closer; I know he is well versed in shit like this.

On another topic, the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia just keeps getting better and better. I haven't laughed that hard in so long.

Also, it may seem lame, but I haven't missed an episode of Sons of Anarchy yet. The last episode was SOOO intense that I almost had to turn away on some parts. Check it out on Hulu.com. I'm pretty into it.

Ohhh girl

So much has happened. I don't know where to start.

Well, things are going absolutely great really. I haven't felt this good in months. I finally put to sleep some demons which was bogging down my life for a long time. Working a ton, making a lot of $$$$$$$$ and possibly making a huge decision in the next few weeks. Negotiations are a bitch but never back down.

Missing my NYC friends a bunch but...................

I was dreading fall/winter for a while but now it doesn't seem like it's going to be so bad. Staying busy, feeling great, and telling the world to fuck off all at once.

4 big trips in the works for late 08/09. England, COSTA RICA?!?!, East coast, and possibly back to Germany for a week.

Went to see Choke the other night. It was pretty good and I actually liked it better than the book.

Oh man, speaking of books, I was so fucking pissed to see THIS the other day at Elliot Bay books. This bitch is ruining everything. And it wasn't just a sticker you can take off. No, it's actually ON THE FUCKING BOOK. Epic fail.

Hapless and Hopeless

I'd like to thank Scott Wade for the suggested play list of Cat Power, Jeff Buckley and Nick Cave..

while i'm alive i'll feel alive

I'm so fucking excited for Friday. I hope I'm not disappointed.

Elegantly Waisted

Last night I attended a fashion show at the McLeod Residence in Belltown. A friend of mine was featured along with 4 other local designers. McLeod Residence is "a home for extraordinary living through art, technology and collaboration."

I took along the camera to take a few shots but ended up taking around 200. The lighting was incredible and ever changing which made all the pictures weird and grainy. I used the 50mm for most shots and the 11-18mm wide angle for a few select shots.

Here are a few of my favorites and the rest are here

existence

Last night around 315am, I was laying in bed thinking about life and death. I don't like thinking about shit like that because it gets depressing quick. I started thinking about preserving your memory. For instance, no one ever forgets about famous people. I mean, that's why they are famous; because they did something extraordinary. But then I started thinking about people who didn't do anything extraordinary. Every day people like you and me. Yes, they have a family (some) and people think about them a lot. But then it got a bit deeper. When does an individual lose existence? Does the final breath of that persons soul leave when the remaining person that remembers them dies as well? You're probably thinking on I'm some new age trip, but I was honestly laying in bed for two hours thinking about that specifically.

When are you truly forgotten about? At what time do you never get remembered again?

As I tossed and turned thinking about this question, I felt a deep sadness rush over me. I knew it was coming and I expected it, but this time it was cold and emptier than usual. It's really puts the universe into perspective. It feels negative and lonely to think that you really don't matter. Yes, you may matter to some people, and you may do something extraordinary, but if you don't, then you are forgotten forever and will never be thought of again. Am I wrong in thinking that life is not meant for happiness and you must struggle to find happiness? And when you do, what is there left to fight for? I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom, but when you clear all the shit out; it's pretty obvious what life's meaning is..and that it has no meaning unless you make meaning for yourself.

Fulfillment leads to happiness. Accomplishment leads to happiness. I know when I ride my bike up massive hills and finally reach the top, it's one of the best feelings. But what happens after that? Life is just a chase and once you have it, you feel you have to go one step further to enjoy it more. Complacency leads to doubting your existence. I know it all too well.

Whatcho paper like?

R E U P G A N G


Killing it. My favorite hip hop record right now. Clipse is the shit.

Also, loving that new T.I. joint "Whatever you like"

E-Life and Oenology/enology

I have submitted my death ticket to the e-life. You can know follow every second of the melodramatic downfall via this link OH BOI TWITTER

Also, I saw Bottle Shock last night. I enjoyed it greatly due to my interest in wine. Also, it had two of my favorite actors, Freddy Rodríguez (from Six Feet Under) and Alan Rickman who needs no introduction.

I saw it at the Big Picture in Redmond and my friend who accompanied me said that an email went out to a big local wine drinker list to see the movie at the same time we were. It was pretty funny to hear/see a bunch of rich white people dropping bottles and getting trashed during the movie. I didn't get annoyed until the dumb lady behind me started in with her own commentary. Either way, the movie was enjoyable and I would see it again.

Guilt rides with us

I awoke this morning and it was still dark outside. I guess I'm used to waking and seeing a bit of light. But the inevitable has arrived; shorter days of sun.

During the daylight hours last weekend, I made my way around some of my favorite stores in Seattle. I, of course, hit up the The Anne Bonny and chatted with Spencer for a bit. He got in some new stuff and I had to restrain myself from buying it all. I also went out to Ballard and walked around Market. I like Ballard a lot and it has a lot of nice stores. I bought some tea at Miro Tea which I must say is just splendid.

Today is an exciting day; a new lens comes in for my camera. I can't wait to play around with it. I'm saving up for a new body right now. I might go with the D80. We shall see.

Now, the time has come where I must put on a smile and head into the cold, uncreative workplace I call home 40+ hrs a week.

Oh yeah, saw this yesterday while heading to work. This guy has balls.

and someday

fourth floor roots




We are beggers where blown
and I will meet you fourth floor
Then we'll make-up no...
No fist to fuckin' save you from
You knock me out
I'll take the burden full blown
And I will be there no...
No fist to fuckin' save you from
You knock me out
No fist to fuckin' save you from
I'm going home
Everything felt good
Everything's right at first
When I was cursed Maddog...
Life before I would shine down unshy
It comes from the first one
While I watch you
I want to be much than more
While I watch you

I know what I have to do. I know what it's going to take. I know to survive, I have to do it.

It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done but for me to continue living, it has to be done.

I follow...

3rd

Webanomics

It let me get really close. Then I looked away for a minutes and it crawled on my hand. It just sat there for a second and I lead it back to the web. I figured I wouldn't freak out since it was letting me photograph its work. It was an unspoken trust I guess....

L.I.S

Patience

I gotta have patience.

3:00 AM

Life is so fucking weird. I can't even begin to explain why I say that but man, what a weird weird life.

Stability is the word of the week. Stability. Let's see if I can get something going.

Je ne veux pas votre aide

I need to really clean my life up. Everything so is scattered right now and I'm lacking focus. I haven't took a photograph in almost two weeks and I promised myself that I would start snapping more and more photos. So this weekend, I am off. Leaving town and I hope to come back with a lot of photos to share.

My sleeping still isn't there. I went to the doctor this past Monday and I have another appointment next Monday. I am hoping that something will come out of these appointments. If not, I don't know what my next steps are going to be.

Work is really picking up and I will be working loads of overtime from here and until Christmas. I guess that is good though, keeping the mind occupied. It also means less time to hang out with friends and do things.

The days are already getting shorter and I have a feeling it's going to be a cold ass winter. Last night was the first night I actually slept in my bed. The past two months, I have just rested on top of it with a small blanket to cover me. But last night I actually got under the covers. It was blank and empty but I needed the warmth. Though, to think of it, It wasn't actually that cold out last night.

Any ways, my reading has slowed down as well. I need to pick that up again. It was one of the only things in my life that wasn't chaotic.

OK, that's enough whining.

My Crutch

Tomorrow is a new day.

Red lipstick, San Francisco, and a chilly afternoon.

This weekend I learned a few things. I learned that relief and despair are very close to each other. I learned that teetering between the two can turn a simple dream into a world that is upside down.
I learned that drinking myself into a hole is not the right step to recovery. I always knew that but I guess I needed to show myself how far I can go. I learned friends are always going to be around and ready to talk but you can still feel like the only person in the world with four walls closing in. I learned that any goals I try and set are always trumped by lack of motivation. I learned that my memory is my worst enemy. I learned that trying to find meaning in life is a worthless pursuit of false hope. I learned not to care.

LIS

I'm tired of people telling me my feelings are wrong. I'm tired of hearing I'm wasting my time. I'm tired of people telling me it's going to take time. I'm tired. I know they are right. I know my judgment is just clouded. I know why nothing looks colorful right now. I know why I'm not sleeping. I know why I have walls.

They are slowly breaking down and I know I'm too late for it to make a difference. I want to wake up from this long, devastating nightmare. I want to be able to wake up and feel good. I want to stop putting up a front like everything is fine. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself.

....

Track 1: ...LIS - 2:48
Track 2: ...LIS - 3.56
Track 3: ...LIS - 2.52
Track 4: ...LIS - 5.32
Track 5: ...LIS - 4.01
Track 6: ...LIS - 3.54
Track 7: ...LIS - 1.19
Track 8: ...LIS - 3.54
Track 9: ...LIS - 5.01
Track 10: ...LIS - 3.11
Track 11: ...LIS - 2.50
Track 12: ...LIS - 4.13
Track 13: ...LIS - 3.08
Track 14: ...LIS - 4.26
Track 15: ...LIS - 8.18
Track 16: ...LIS - 5.11
Track 17: ...LIS - 4.29
Track 18: ...LIS - 4.15
Track 19: ...LIS - 7.13
Track 20: ...LIS - 4.50
Track 21: ...LIS - 5.22
Track 22: ...LIS - 3.27
Track 23: ...LIS - 2.08
Track 24: ...LIS - 5.28
Track 25: ...LIS - 5.38
Track 26: ...LIS - 5.02
Track 27: ...LIS - 3.50
Track 28: ...LIS - 2.56
Track 29: ...LIS -4.59

200mm

The words just aren't coming to me right now. I know what I want to say, I know what I need to say but they just won't come out. The rain is really depressing. I have a feeling this winter may be the worst winter yet.

I've finished my third book this month. That's the most I've read in one month in a long time. Granted, the book are only an average of 300 pages, but still.

It's a little late. I should probably be heading to bed even though I know it won't help.

Your love...a waste of time

mixing an amazing movie based off an amazing novel with an amazing song from an amazing band.

you get the point..

CHAMPION OF THE SUN!

bang over

Sacramento was hot and not just in temperature. This past weekend was probably one of the best weekends I've had in a really long time. Well, with a few bumps in the road but that was bound to happen. Pat and Jenny's wedding was awesome; great friends, great food, and tons of dancing.

It was so awesome to see all my friends from all over the globe. Everyone in one room for 4 hours dancing and having fun; really can't ask for more.

Here is a little taste of the whole weekend....